When I was 20 years old my closest childhood friend died quite suddenly of a rare blood disease. I was not allowed to see him during his brief stay in the hospital; his parents would not allow me and his other young friends to attend his memorial service, something which I have never understood. But I knew, from others who had seen him, that he didn't know what was happening, that he hallucinated, that he was incoherent and terrified. He did not have an opportunity to be brave, or to cope, or to adjust. He died less than two weeks after being diagnosed.

Over the past sixteen years I have thought about Rob a lot. I have lain in that bed with him, imagined being him, trying to understand, through the haze of illness, why the bottom was falling out of the world. So many emotions are packed into that memory: sadness, anger, resentment, denial, fear.

I thought of Rob when I came across the mystery of Kaycee Nicole. Everyone admired her bravery: she was a "great warrior" who somehow found a way to stay positive during her battle with leukemia. Even after it was revealed that Kaycee wasn't real, that she had been constructed by a 40-year old Kansas hosuewife, we were told that she remained inspiring; we could all learn from her and be thankful for life and brave in the face of adversity.

That frightens me a bit. The sad truth is that life is rarely as simple as a TV movie. My friend Rob never had a chance to be brave. People suffer, and the only redemption is sometimes through death. As a life-long sufferer of a chronic illness -- depression -- I can tell you that facile, Kaycee-style guidance is both useless and insulting. One can't overcome an illness with just positive thoughts; that sort of thing is reserved for local TV news sound-bites and television evangelists.

What illness does tend to highlight, though, is that we all have a choice: whether to live in this world or not. It isn't a choice most people think about too much; they just go about their business, doing things. But the world is filled with choices.

Right now there are several million children in North America, and a couple of billion worldwide, who don't have access to decent medical care. There are people in your community, right now, who are suffering from chronic and terminal illnesses who feel alone, scared, and angry. Most people are going to have a more complex response to the situation than did the fictional Kaycee, but they need support just as Kaycee did. You have the choice of doing something for them; maybe give some money, maybe give some time. It is a choice that will really mean something.

Someone wrote to me, in the wake of the Kaycee hoax, and asked me how to know if someone online is lying. I am probably the last person in the world that anyone should ask. The fact is that I have been reluctant to make friends online for some time. It isn't that I have been manipulated or hurt by anyone, but rather that people I had thought I had grown close to, I found I didn't know.

As with a lot of things on the Internet, an online persona doesn't exist until it encounters someone, and in that gap of creation the words of another can easily be misinterpreted and misunderstood. Too often we make our online friends in our own image, and when we meet them, find that they weren't who we imagines. Even the best intentioned find themselves given the voice of another.

And it isn't all that different in our "real lives," I suppose. Long ago I read Erving Goffman's The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, written in 1959. In life, people wear what psychologists call "social masks." As Turkle and others have pointed out, the online world is a great place for identity exploration, for investigating traits and creativity in ways that simply cannot be done (or easily done) in the real world.

Will the Kaycee story teach us to be cynical? I prey it will not. My hope is that people will take online communication for what it is, and retain a healthy, positive skepticism about whatever is being said. Think critically and don't jump to conclusions. Err on the side of caring, but take care of yourself, too.

Some people have been more effected by the Kaycee hoax than others. Ironically, it was those who most cared about her and provided the greatest support who were the most hurt. Many people, including me, wondered if BWG, Halcyon, Andra Lea and others might be involved in the hoax. All I can do is apologize and hope them all the best.