24
October 2000
This
discussion of depression seems frustratingly
simplistic. Do we really not know any more
than this about the relationship between these
symptoms? Which is cause and which is effect?
Is it really the case that "More often
than not, when depressed patients subject
their automatic thoughts to logical principles
and empirical testing, they find out their
hypotheses are either false or greatly exaggerated?"
I would say that healthy people possess a
talent for delusion. I'm happy when I have
a complacent, self-centred understanding of
which variables in my universe lie within
my control; when I am able to dismiss the
enormity of the
others with acts of generosity or self-sacrifice.
If I didn't
delude myself, I'd crumble. And sometimes
I have.
I
may be the author, but that doesn't make me
the protagonist.
I'm pretending to write fiction.
The
Zen TV Experiment. Just picked up a collection
of contemporary Japanese fiction entitled
Monkey
Brain Sushi... We shall see.
----------------------------------------
23
October 2000
The
first 5 million digits of the square root
of 2. Not guaranteed, however.
I'd
just come from an obscure film at the Angelika.
By the time I got to Lexington, the details
of the plot were already fading but I was
still wrapped in the atmosphere of the film.
It started raining again. The air was heavy
and warm but the rain was cold. The farther
I walked up Lexington, the stronger the wind
became until I had to hold my umbrella in
front of me instead just to keep the rain
off my face. My bare shoulders were cold and
water poured down the back of my legs. When
I was little I used to want to be cold. Too
cold was better than too warm. I fought to
avoid wearing a jacket and associated goosebumps
with a specific type of trance-like relaxation.
I still prefer winter to summer and a cold
wind to warm stillness...
A
thoughtful article on Spanglish, always
the punning language of choice in our house,
now the language of choice in our neighborhood
as well. I'm learning... both Spanglish and
Spanish. The former because my little neighbors
refuse to speak English with me. They tell
Victor that they don't believe I can't speak
Spanish because I can call them on naughty
language and because I understand when they
use such words as building-o... Working
construction in Texas was useful, Mum.
In
the new order of things that take place during
work hours, I've become an Information Architecture
Specialist... After all the complaining I've
done about having to specialize... I've publicized
the fact that I'm going to use my status as
Information Architecture Specialist to manufacture
relationships between information architecture
and anything I'm interested in. It's a never-ending
pool of excuses to research, read, and invent.
----------------------------------------
04
October 2000
Nuggets
of love for breakfast every morning:
He
(smiling sweetly and spattering spackle
on my floor): Are you a model?
I
(primping awkwardly in front of a mirror
on the filthy wood floor): Hardly.
He:
Well, you should consider it. You look like
a model. You've got the right look, alright.
I
(struggling into my jacket): Thank
you Stanley, that's a very sweet thing to
say.
He:
Oh, you know-- I can't help it.You're a sweet
thing and you inspire me. If you ever need
anyone to take care of you right, baby--
I
(interuppting hastily): The walls.
What I need most right now is a good tape
and float job.
He:
Oh, sure. But you'll let me know if you ever
need anything else. I'll be here, sweet. I'll
be here... Or pretty nearby anyhow.
I:
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.
The
space was to be finished when we moved in
at the end of August. We have yet to get plumbing.
As harrowing as it is to wake up and see a
bunch of men standing at the foot of one's
bed singing Hello Dolly interspursed
with floral spoken curses, it's better than
never seeing anyone doing anything... At first
I bounded out of bed with my sheets clutched
around me, but now I just go back to sleep
if I'm not ready to get up. It's my house,
dammit. I feel a bit bad for them because
they are obviously a bit uncomfortable...
If only the landlady shared that discomfort.
